This Is It

note* This blog is going to be very different than any of my other blogs. I will not be talking about my day and there will be no pictures. I will be doing what I never do, and that is letting you people into my mind.

I'm not sure where to start.. so I'll start from the very begining.
On June 25, I got this really bad feeling around 1pm. I just felt like crap and I had no idea why. I wanted to just go to sleep and cry. Instead, I got in the shower. When I got out, I hadn't even looked at my phone yet, surprisingly. I was just sitting on my Godfathers couch and staring at the wall, still feeling bad. My cousin Allie was the first person to inform me that Michael Jackson had just died. I didn't believe her until I opened my phone and looked at everyones Twitter updates. And then, the texts started comming in. And then the phone calls from my Godfather and my mom and friends and I just layed down and started to cry.


Later that night, my mom told me I was spending the night at my Grandmas house. I didn't actually watch tv until I went to my Grandmas and I saw this man on the news at Neverland Ranch talking about the memories he has with Michael. They showed video footage of Michael climbing up this tree and he was asking the man to climb up with him. That video made me smile so big but also cry so hard. I also saw the man asking Michael to dance for him and Michael laughed and said he was shy. Again, another huge smile and even bigger cry.


Until now, I've been a lot quieter and more defensive than usual. When I read that they would be distributing 170,500 tickets to Michaels Memorial at Staples Center, ofcourse I wanted to go. But also, chances are, it probably wasn't going to be me to get those tickets. When I saw the memorial, I cried so hard when the brothers brought in Michaels casket. Like, just staring at that thinking "He's in there. But I'll never see him again".... The thought that THAT's the last time I'll ever see him. The entire ceremony was completely moving. Everyone that spoke.. their words made me cry at one point. Magic talking about going to Michaels house and the chef bringing out a bucket of KFC. THAT didn't make me cry, but it did make me laugh. But Brooke Shields speach about how when they were together, they just tried to have as much fun as they could have. What really got to me was when Paris spoke. THAT was just breath taking and very sad.


My own take on this is, the memories I have of him, are all from when I was a very little girl. My parents were always listening to his music and, as the people who know me best know, I got all my inspirations in life from my parents and Godparents. So growing up, Michael was (and is) the coolest, amazing singer I'd ever seen. When I was 6, I actually wanted to be Michael Jackson for halloween... and I was. It was the funnest thing I ever did. I remember my mom buying me a white glove at Kmart and I wore a black fedora and black pants and a back jacket with sequens.


Growing up, my entire life, I swore I was going to grow up and be a singer. I could have done it too, if I tried harder. But I did eventually just give up on that a few years ago. But, my point is, Michael (along with a few other artists) was my inspiration to want to be a singer. I'd reherse in my room ALL the time. From when I was 5 to when I was 13, I'd be in my room perfecting each note and dance move. I'd even practice stage moves and expressions. I still do all of those things, but I won't do it for anyone anymore. I was just so into it and I just wanted to be as much of a talented performer as Michael Jackson. But I don't think anyone can reach that height.


When I was in 3rd grade, I remember I had (and still have) a dvd of all of Michaels music videos. I would put it on in my living room every day and learn all of the dance moves to every single song. And once I had every song down, my cousin Allie and I would make up dances to the songs and we's show my mom. I can honestly say Michael Jackson taught me how to dance. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know what to do out on that dance floor.


When I was 9, my Godfather took me out to Hollywood and I remember the ONE thing I HAD to do was take a picture with Michaels star on the walk of fame. I still have that picture. It was such a cool moment in my life. I was so excited and happy and all these great emotions.


Although Michael is no longer here with us on Earth, he is still with all of us whenever we need him. Although he's wanted so much back here, God needed another angel to come work for him. My friend Eric Pinto once said this "i just felt a little happier at the image of MJ teaching jesus to moonwalk haha :) RIP MJ" He said this the night Michael passed away. That surely did make me feel a little better and a lot more optimistic of the situation. All I can say now is, Michael, I love you and you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart. I won't ever let people speak ignorance of you. Rest in peace, king.